Merry Christmas 2023

A Visit From Little Prick/'Twas the Night Before the Pot Game
(reprinted from 2009 with updated names )

 

'Twas the night before the Pot Game, when all throughout Keene

Not a golfer was stirring, not even Billy D being mean;

The golf clubs were polished and ready to go,

In hopes that all the best players would show;

The Pot Gamers were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of birdies and skins danced in their heads;

And Suzy in her G-string, and I in my Yankees cap,

Had just settled down for a quickie and a nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what the f__k was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up on the sash.

The moon on the dew of the freshly mowed grass

Gave the appearance to me of Suzy’s firm little ass,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a dilapidated old golf cart, and eight drunken Pot Gamers dressed as reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be that Little Prick.

More rapid than turtles his coursers they came,

And he tried to whistle, then slurred, and called them by name;

"Now, Timmy! now, BB! now, Sars and Bear!

On, Fireman! on TJ! on, BK and Who the F__k cares!

To the top of the clubhouse! to the top of the wall!

Now stagger away! stagger away! stagger away all!"

Like Loy’s 20 dollars that before the wild winds fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the drunkards they flew,

With the cart full of Mic Lights, and the Little Prick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The F__kin Bear’s birdie call of woof, woof.

As I stood there bollocky bare ass, and was turning around,

Down the chimney the Little Prick came with a bound.

He was dressed like a golfer from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of beers he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a Pot Gamer who had just bought a rack.

His eyes were all squinty! His hat was on crooked!

His cheeks were all stubbly, He looked pretty snookered!

His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was dirtier than snow;

The stub of his cigarette hung from his lip,

And the ash curved down from the tip;

He had popcorn stuck to his face from the bar he just left,

He had so much of it on him, it could be called theft.

He was little and tiny, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know it was not long before he was ready for bed

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all my coolers; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his cart, and called out to his team,

God help me I just saw Sr naked, tell me it’s just a damn dream.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"I’m still The Commish, watch out for the cart eating ditch, I’m not having a good night."

Little Prick
Photo By Elf Enterprises

Back In Action

After months of no news the Gazette is back..maybe..sort of..kind of..

To ease you into it, we will start off with a quiz to see if you really know your fellow Pot Gamers.  The first Pot Gamer responding with the most correct answers will win a free bucket of range balls (compliments of Mad Dog.  Of course it is a small Cheez bucket.  Did you really expect anything else?)

Name the Pot Gamer who says or does the following.  Use their nickname in your answers

1. "Oh Well"
2. "That's Brutal"
3. Hits "Stinger" Drivers
4. Carries bag over his shoulder
5. "Macaroni and Cheese"
6. Dates "Gretchen"
7. Chips for mythical dollars against Bear
8. "God Damit"
9. Created his own Par
10. Putting style "Rammy Jammy"
11. Needs all his putts read
12. Known for his "Dancing Feet" right before takeaway.

Your time starts now!  Get those answers into kmoller@pobox.com

Gretchen The Caddie

Little Bits and Pieces

Commish Buying Another Hat

Birdie has notified Pudge he needs a new opponent to play against in the 2015 Battle of the Beav.  Commish proved to be way too easy over the last couple of years.  Pudge sent him back a short list of potential opponents for him to pick through.  Dougie, Joey M, Sandy or "Comeback Kid" TJ. No word on whom he has selected.

The Big House has announced a dues reduction for the first time in history.  Mad Dog says the course won't be open until June 1st because of the 10' of snow the height of two Minis , so the dues will be $1,045 instead of $1,050.

Otis was mentioned in the Deacon's will.  Deacon left strict instructions to Joey M to never allow Otis back into the Invitational.  It seems Otis committed to play a few years ago and then at the last moment backed out when he got an offer to go water skiing instead.  He never forgot or forgave him...

The One Who Became A Villager has been demoted from the Sticks group to the Toothpicks.  According to our sources players in the Sticks were tired of him putting to palm fronds instead of cups,  backhanding 6" putts that lip out,  asking where is ball went off the tee,  clearing his throat when his team mates where putting and always playing Top Flites.

Randy & Friends Tournament has a new format.  It is a pick your own two man team event that is one hole.  All teams tee off on 15 North and play alternate shot all the way to 12 South.  Low score wins.  Get your request in early because it will be a limited field.

Chuckster has been asked by the acting Commish to do all the selections of the teams for the 2015 Weekend Pot Games.  Mad Dog has agreed to step down after he admitted he doesn't know how to make even teams when there are 18 players.  He is still convinced it has to be 3 teams of four and 2 teams of three.

Pudge took a job as a sales rep for an golf equipment manufacturer.  CNM Company which makes drivers.  Pudge's first three customers Chimney, Fireman and Billy D.  Name of the driver Cut No More.  TJ tried to get fitted but Pudge told to hold off because they are working on a SNM model which would be perfect for him.

If you hear any rumors about Bretwood, Staff or Pot Gamers please call one of our two new tip lines

For reporter Rama call 1-800-Son-Bitc
For reporter Murt call 1-800-FU2-4000

Take It To The Bank

The Gazette has looked into its crystal golf ball and have the following bold predictions for 2015

Birdie will sell his house, move into an apartment next to Billy D and gain 20 yards on his drives with new "Power Move ".

Ginger

Pudge will get a job outside of Keene but still stay in golf business.  Romance continues strong with Ginger..

Commish misses first month of Pot Games with a broken foot after a new orphaned donkey steps on him at the Donna Daryl Ranch .

Skooger attends Popcorn Anonymous to try to kick his two bowls of popcorn a day habit. 

TJ hires a hypnotist to cure his swing woes which results in his duck hooks coming back making him a happy boy.

Joey M creates his own secret hand shake as he takes over the Invitational with a very limited field of players.

Chuckster invents remote control app for golf carts so he can sit in Pro Shop and move fleet from storage to tarmac while he plays cribbage with Ellis.

Mad Dog retires in April, changes his mind in May, waters flowers for month of June,  plays with grandsons in July, loses cash to Bear in August, orders new clubs in Sept, retires in Oct.

CFC switches to playing right handed and out drives Jerry Maquire which makes Jerry stop drinking girly "Rita" drinks on the deck.

NNN goes the way of Tiger and gets the "Yips" which puts him in the running for an actual nickname "Yippy".

Tractorman after going to his time share down south in spring to practice, wins the first 5 Pots of the season and collects the Hole-In-One pool money for his shot on 13 North one hopping into the hole hitting a wedge.

Fireman bought a new truck with his hefty Assistant Chief salary.  It is black and gold stripes.  He thinks it looks like a Steelers uniform everybody else think it looks like a giant bubble bee.

BB gets schooled by "Little BB" all summer long,  so he then starting setting up matches against "little little BB".  Didn't seem to bother him when "little little" had to hand over his new golf balls to him.

Molasses Boy after bragging his speed of play had improved was given a challenge by Commish to prove it.  He set up a match between the semi retired Sr Pro and Molasses Boy.  Each could play at their own pace with the first finisher getting to deduct 1 stroke for every 5 minutes ahead.  Molasses Boy shot 78 to Sr Pro's 82 but Sr Pro finished 25 minutes ahead which gave him an adjusted score of 77 and the win.

Sandy wins the Club Championship again.  For two magical weekends all his putts roll in and towering drives hit the fairways.  Rest of the summer he loses Dollar A Hole matches to Bear.

House was denied again from playing the white tees which put him in deep depression which led him to shoot three consecutive rounds in the 90s which forced the Commish to ban him from the Pot game for the rest of the season.

Vinnie set record sales commissions for his company when Andy Mac his protege picked up 20 new accounts in Northern New England.  But neither one played much golf.

Blue Tees after continuing his weight loss and strength training decides to play from blue tees all season long.  His scores didn't change nor did the melt downs.

Billy D hit his head skiing. Although he looked the same he wasn't acting the same.  He started quoting all things Obama, siding with Birdie when political arguments broke out on the deck and gave up Bud Lights for wine.

Jay Esch adopts side saddle putting stroke wintering in Florida.  It serves him well as he takes home chunks of the Pot all summer long.

Chimney turns over his ladders and brushes to his son and concentrates on his first loves golf and gambling.  He plays in all the week day Pot Games and becomes Week Day Commish.

Dicky Mac laid enough carpet during off season to allow him to play the most golf of his career.  He worked his handicap low enough so he was a Captain most of the summer.  But he still didn't like his teams.

Otis read a book over the winter called "Length Is Over Rated".  He bought it because he thought it was about a different subject other than golf.  But he did put the theories in the book to good use winning lots of Pot money, although it did look weird to see him tee off on the par 5s with a 7 iron.

Skrocki used his fruit picking skills to land a winter job in Colorado hand pruning Marijuana plants.  He made enough money to buy himself new clubs and a few dozen almost new golf balls.

Brett started training his daughter to hit the ball hard the minute she could walk so whether it will be golf or softball she is assured of a full scholarship.

Dr Dave spent most of the winter in warm Florida working on his game.  But a visit to see The Villages ruined his season when he hurt his shoulder.  He tumbled out of a former absent minded Pot Gamer's golf cart when they ran over a gator. 

Dougie ran his fifth Annual Vt Road Trip Invitational.  He of course won as usual, although he claimed it had nothing to do with having Mad Dog, NNN and Mini on his team.

Rama hired a Labor Attorney to negotiate his new employment contract with the Big House.  By the permanent smile on his face and the fact he played in every Pot Game, I would say it was worth it.

He's Been Busy

Weeks ago a Pot Game legendary figure passed away after a long battle with the big "C".  He leaves a huge void especially in the social setting on the deck post round where he held court in his booming whisper voice while consuming a libation or three.  He went by Deacon.  When the Gazette tried to nickname him "Big Al", he sent a email to the editor saying his name was "Deacon"period....

This remembrance is long over due but trying to sum a such a complicated figure in a few paragraphs proved to be harder than we thought.  However a recent news event gave us inspiration to put words on paper (or Web page).  Tiger has chipping yips.  When we watched him on TV all we could think of was that somehow Deacon had convinced the "Man UpStairs" to bless Tiger with his chipping stroke.  The flubs, blades and chunks are all classic Deacon moves.  We are not sure how he did it but we are convinced he had a hand in Tiger (who he despised) getting the yips.

Deacon's lived a colorful life which gave him a endless supply of stories, all of which he was happy to share with Pot Gamers especially newbies.

Like the one about how he kicked a handcuffed suspect down a flight of stairs because he had spit at him and for several hours thought he had killed him.....

Like when he was a Bail Commissioner he sent a hippie to jail for the weekend because he didn't like the way he looked even though he had only J walked....

Like when he got mad when nobody signed up for his "Gold Game" tournament and he went down stairs and ripped up the sign up sheet swearing all the way....

Like when he borrowed some demo Titleist irons from Mad Dog and was still trying them out 12 years later....

Like when he cleared the deck of a young Mother and her children in less than 90 seconds when he boomed out a few F Bombs as he was settling in for a Mich Light....

Like when he would consume multiple Mich Lights then pop a half a packet of Listerine tabs into his mouth and head off to Saturday afternoon Mass to read some scripture....

Like when he would fret over who he should invite with the secret handshake to fill out the last couple of spots for his beloved Invitational....

And on and on he would go...

His answer to everything he liked was "That's Big".  Well Mr Al aka Deacon we all think you were "Big" and we will miss you.