Merry Christmas 2012

A Visit From Little Prick/'Twas the Night Before the Pot Game
(reprinted from 2009 )

 

'Twas the night before the Pot Game, when all throughout Keene

Not a golfer was stirring, not even the Trooper being mean;

The golf clubs were polished and ready to go,

In hopes that all the best players would show;

The Pot Gamers were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of birdies and skins danced in their heads;

And Suzy in her G-string, and I in my Yankees cap,

Had just settled down for a quickie and a nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what the f__k was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up on the sash.

The moon on the dew of the freshly mowed grass

Gave the appearance to me of Suzy’s firm little ass,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a dilapidated old golf cart, and eight drunken Pot Gamers dressed as reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be that Little Prick.

More rapid than turtles his coursers they came,

And he tried to whistle, then slurred, and called them by name;

"Now, Deacon! now, Murt! now, Pudgey and Bear!

On, Fireman! on Cheese! on, 40 and Who the F__k cares!

To the top of the clubhouse! to the top of the wall!

Now stagger away! stagger away! stagger away all!"

Like Loy’s 20 dollars that before the wild winds fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the drunkards they flew,

With the cart full of Mic Lights, and the Little Prick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The F__kin Bear’s birdie call of woof, woof.

As I stood there bollocky bare ass, and was turning around,

Down the chimney the Little Prick came with a bound.

He was dressed like a golfer from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of beers he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a Pot Gamer who had just bought a rack.

His eyes were all squinty! His hat was on crooked!

His cheeks were all stubbly, He looked pretty snookered!

His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was dirtier than snow;

The stub of his cigarette hung from his lip,

And the ash curved down from the tip;

He had popcorn stuck to his face from the bar he just left,

He had so much of it on him, it could be called theft.

He was little and tiny, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know it was not long before he was ready for bed

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all my coolers; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his cart, and called out to his team,

God help me I just saw Sr naked, tell me it’s just a damn dream.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"I’m still The Commish, watch out for the cart eating ditch, I’m not having a good night."

Little Prick
Photo By Elf Enterprises

A Look Into The Future

The Gazette's crystal ball predicts the following will happen in 2013, unless the Mayan's were correct and the world will end on the 21st.

Commish will pack his clubs away and becomes a full time farmer (animal care giver) when Mrs Commish brings in an abused elephant, six donkeys, two zebras and twenty miniature goats to her already overcrowded animal shelter.

Cheez will sell his house and play the Pot Game for the last time in August. He will demand his hole-in-one pool money back because he won't have an opportunity to make one. He will be denied.

Birdie with the economy sliding into recession again renounces his Democratic Liberal ways and makes Fox News his station of choice every night.

TJ attended the Pelz Short Game school to sharpen his game since he already hits it over 300 with a fade with new extra stiff shafted driver.

Murt makes a comeback with new hip. His game is sharp as ever along with his deck wit. Back on the Pro Am circuit with Pudge.

Brad-Brian decked out in Chicago Bear's colors gets a Saturday pass from his wife to play in the Pot Games. After having one too many on the deck in June, wife revokes pass for a month.

Deacon starts organizing Invitational in March. Floats out 22 different dates to see who can play, picks one but then changes back and forth three times. Ends up with a foursome of Blue Tees (who had some new ideas on format), Skooger (heard there was free popcorn) and Mini (Daddy didn't have any news jobs lined up for him that weekend). Tournament was canceled.

Tractorman had stomach problems. Turns out the 12 bowls of Chili he ate at Deacon's Christmas Party burned a hole in his stomach lining. Had to go on an all yogurt diet for three months. While on the diet, he started salivating every time a Pot Gamer ate a hamburger on the deck.

Mad Dog started driving again. He found that by cocking his head to the right at an angle of four degrees,  he could see most of the road. He only hit 6 mailboxes through the end of June and only 4 after that before they took away his license.

Chuckie doesn't work in the Pro Shop. His days are filled with supervising the bartenders in the Men's lounge. If he is bragging about 36s and 40s he is not talking golf scores.

Sr Pro returned as a regular. F bombs filled the air from tee to green just like old times. Suzy made a few appearances on the deck as well.

Cabot resumed his Week Day Commissioner role when he got back in May. He wore spikeless shoes so when he walks in Pot Gamers lines he doesn't leave any marks. His house never sold so he will be back next year unlike the Cheez.

Danny Roy tried to play once in April but his cellphone ran out of power on the back nine so his girlfriend could not reach him every five minutes so he wasn't allowed to come back. His Jungle Juice was greatly missed.

Jay Esh received notice from the USGA that his putter no longer qualifies for play because of the plugger on the bottom for picking his ball out of cup. He was told it was too much of an unfair advantage. He suspects John Holler turned him into the USGA.

Fireman misses several Mid Week Pot Games after he spent the night in his plush Captain's quarters at the new Keene Firehouse. The Gazette's under cover reporter found out his sleeping late was caused by the nightly massages he receives from the female interns and plunges in the hot tub shaped like a fire truck which relaxed him into a noodle state.

Billy D takes a terrible tumble on the ski slopes and wrenches his back in the opposite direction of his golf swing.  Which resulted in his back feeling like a million bucks leading to his lowest index (1.2) ever by July.  Plays as a Captain for the rest of the summer.

Dougie quits teaching and starts a new company which organizes "road trip" tournaments for members of private clubs at all the best courses in New England.  Meets with huge success until he hires Deacon to drive a van to transport players and he (Deacon) gets lost and 8 players missed their tee time.  By September Dougie is back teaching.

Triple N recovers from achilles tear but his golf game doesn't.  Rumor has it that he depressed over not getting his desired nickname of Zoom Zoom.  He walks too slow with limp so nickname is inappropriate.

House never returned to Pot Game because he was collecting too many quarters from the B Group.  He did try to get into the Chili Party but was turned away at the door by Deacon when he didn't know the secret Pot Gamer handshake.  Public Service never hired him back for emergency line work because they said he was too twitchy with his wrench and pole.

Little Bow Pete now banished from Illinois and Iowa for illegal hunting techniques (crossbow) decides to give up hunting altogether.   He decided to write a book titled "Winning By Not Giving Anything".  It was not a success.  Only a few copies were sold.  it was dedicated to someone named George.

Chimney's "rama jama" putting technique was caught on film when he played a Charity event at Foxwoods sponsored by Dick's Sporting Goods in June.   Dick's hired him to give putting demos throughout the Northeast at their stores.  So no more rooftops for him.

Sandy's scores climb when he plays in windy conditions because of his high trajectory.  He quietly sought out Commish to learn the art of the "stinger" shot.  So now there are four players who can hit it Commish, Birdie, Sandy and TW.

Pudge celebrated giving his 10,000th lesson in May.  The bad part of that was the "Big House" sent him a bill for range use after they read the article in the Sentinel.  Memorial Day marked his largest number of Pot Gamers at a Red, White and Blue Tournament 30 only to be topped by 4th of July's 32.

Otis got his T-Bird work schedule down to 3 hours a day (6-9am).  So with 5 hours a day free before he has to go home to check his honey-do-list, he increased his already plentiful scramble tournament schedule.  But in August his picture appeared in the Sentinel as winner of Clark Distributors Bud Light Scramble, thus ended his appearance in weekend Pot Games.  His wife subscribes to The Sentinel. 

Hagen and his wife tired of the Temple Band formed their own "Umpa Band".  They play at German restaurants all across New England. The Gazette has yet to get a picture of Hagen in his lederhosen.

Skrocki after wearing out the faces of his 25 year old irons finally breaks down and gets a new set.  Well new to him,  as he cut a deal with Billy D to get his irons that he would normally turn into Pudge at Dick's.  So looks like Skrocki will be playing with two new sets a summer.

Rama has had the John Daley backswing and the Doug Sanders backswing, but in February he asked Deacon to teach him the "Smooth Swing With Posing", that AD has perfected.  It worked so well that instead of Deacon winning all the Pots they flowed into Rama pockets.  With the better swing came better scores so the "Sons of Beeches" and "Swahili  Cockboxer" which filled the air were no more.  They were missed.

Forty after having to keep filling up his "40 Mobile" even though he wasn't using it, decided to lock it in his garage to keep it away from his neighbor.  His wife found him a third job doing landscaping after he gets done reading meters and checking houses.  So if Pot Gamers need a landscaper they just head to Mad Dog's neighborhood and they now have two choices.

Mini after finding out his neighbor started a landscaping business in June, decided to attend beauty school to get licensed as a hairdresser.   He talked Mrs Mad Dog into being his first customer after he got his license in July.  She was mysteriously house bound for several weeks in July and then wore a hat when she was in public.  The State took his license away in August and was forced to move out of Daddy's compound the same month.

Skooger opened a new business in March.  He bought a used lunch truck and retrofitted it with two huge popcorn popper machines.  He calls it "Artie's Flying Kernels".  By September he was out of business and thirty pounds heavier from eating too much of his own creations.

Blue Tees realizing his blood pressure was dangerously elevated when he played in Pot Games, enrolled in January in an online course called "Meditate Your Way To Lower Scores".  It was working for the first few months, but then he decided to elevate his technique which required him to chant when he was under extreme pressure.  In July he was back to being red faced  and frustrated in other words normal.

Scotty-Steve joined Brattleboro instead of Bretwood.  He invites three Pot Gamers over every month to play matches.  He usually wins because he has his "biker" girlfriend caddy for him dressed in only a bikini.  When the weather turned cool in September his winning ways did take a dip.

Joey M founded an organization called YAGFONH (Yankee And Giant Fans Of NH).  Between keeping up with the Facebook and Twitter feeds for his organization he hardly has time for playing in the Pot Game.  Deacon was a charter member.  He does however make time for his own tournament called OFITR (One Foot In The Rough) played in September.

Your're Invited

The Deacon aka Captain America, Invitational Tournament Director, Trooper #1, One and half Lung, Richie Allen Hater, Don King Hair, Stair Kicker Downer, Putter Looper, Smooth Swinger, Former Bail Commissioner  invites all Pot Gamers (except Village People) to his Annual Chili Party at Yankee Lanes, 477 Park Ave, Keene, NH at 6pm this Wednesday December 12th. 

The Chili has been simmering for days to get the "just right" bite.  Homemade rolls lovingly kneaded by "The Man" himself will melt in your mouth.  Barbara lets The Deacon take all the credit but she is the real brains behind the operation buying all the ingredients, using her kitchen and has to feed Al beers while he is cooking.

Rules of the evening:
1. Be sure to waive at The Deacon when you come in unless he is on a roll of strikes, then don't make eye contact.
2. Thank Barbara and give her condolences for putting up with the Host for all these years.
3. Bring money to buy at least one Pitcher of Coors Light.
4. Stay clear of Chili Pot when Tractorman is filling his bowl which will happen numerous times during the evening.
5. Purge "Dumplings" from your vocabulary.  Last guy to describe rolls as "Dumplings" purged from Guest list for life.
6. When you leave be sure to Thank your host and hostess or you will be on the same list as the Village People in 2013.

Hope for an unsuspecting bowler to wandered over to the food table and start to help themselves and watch for Deacon to leap over the benches on the alleys and verbally light them up.  Well worth coming to watch.

Possible lost souls making an appearance this year: Sr Pro, Scotty-Steve.  Regulars who show Tractorman, Murt, Pudge, Billy D, Commish, Bear and Blue Tees.

Time Of His Life

Cheez, Eric and Doodleburger on 18th at Pebble Today.

The Cheez after waiting for over 20 years has finally played Pebble Beach with his boys. But they made a few stops before like Cypress Point, The Presidio, Harding Park and Pasatiempo Golf Course. Pictures of Alister MacKenzie former residence and plaque.  It is a trip of a lifetime.

Cypress Point First Tee You Hit Over Hedge

No Time To Waste

As soon as Bretwood officially closed Chuckie wasted no time in planning his recruitment trip for hiring his new Bartenders for his member's only Men's lounge.  Commish begged to go with him , but he ended up taking Rama Yama with him instead.  Below you will find the finalists in his search.  Be sure to let him know who your favorites are he should hire.  Also work on the new locker room is almost finished as you can see in the picture snapped by our undercover reporter.  Can't wait for next summer when everyone's bar tab will be through the roof.

New Locker Room

Bad Timing

The last day for Bretwood to be open was last Sunday.  Although the weatherman promised 50 degree temperatures he didn't deliver.  At 9:30am  the greens were still covered with snow and the temp hovered around freezing.  Deacon, Billy D (without his clubs), Tractorman, TJ (who did hit balls on the range) and Bear all showed up in hopes of playing. Bear was even equipped for play with brooms to swept off the greens if necessary but it never warmed up enough  to use them.  So after a few libations in the parking lot in full view of the man from the big house who circled around in his new truck a few times.  They all said goodbye and headed home to watch football.  By 11:30 everything had melted and the course was playable but no Pot Gamers were around.  So the longest Pot Game season on record ended in disappointment.

The Big Winding Down of 2012

As the snow is falling on the last Saturday for golf at Bretwood, December 1st, hard to believe it is going to be almost 50 degrees tomorrow.  So take the clubs out of the closet and pack them in the trunk and head over to the course for one last time with your fellow Pot Gamers.  We should be able to tee off between 9-9:30 on Sunday.

Now for some reflections of the past season:

Opening Day Pot Gamers

March
Mud Season usually is associated with the month of March, except this year it marked the earliest opening of Bretwood in history.  St Patricks Day kicked off the first Pot Game.

Some Pot Gamers started on the IR list.  Joey M knee replacement, Sandy shoulder repair and Murt hip (gone for the season).

Mike B after trying to make up his own nickname was crowned No Nick Name, which Pudge shortened to Triple N.  Not the one he hoped for but at least he has one.

A few dropped out of the Pot Game Sr Pro, Scotty-Steve and all the Roy Boys.

April
Joe D gets a nickname.  A prominent Pot Gamer named him TJ for either Trooper Joe or Trooper Junior, he wasn't totally clear on which one.  The nickname has stuck.  

The Heathen Open was played on Easter Sunday with 8 Pot Gamers.  Mad Dog makes first appearance.

Mini moves into Daddy's compound and becomes 40's neighbor.  He also thinks of the 40mobile as his own because he uses it all the time to get to the course when 40 isn't home.

Huslander is allowed back into the Pot Game by The Commish (in a weak moment) and insisted he be allowed to play white tees.  He regretted that decision later in the summer 

Mad Dog can't figure out how many teams can be created from 18 players. He comes to the tee with cards made out for 5 teams (two teams of 3 and three teams of 4).  Gets fired by Commish.

Otis forgets GHIN computer is open for scores and shoots in the low 70s.  Commish informs him now always a Captain.  Oops.

May

Billy D has a cut that he can't get rid of.

Lenny back from the Villages resumes his duty as Week Day Commish.

Mad Dog and Bear start an automatic "Dollar-A-Hole" match for the year.

The first Gold Game was played mid month, but almost didn't happen when several Pot Gamers pressured Commish to cancel.  But Pot Gamers who wanted to play prevailed.

Cheez arrives back from The Villages.  Leaves his game in FL.

House picks up two Xs.. No surprise there.

Bridge on 7 North

The Great Flood came late in the month and did major damage to both courses.  Bridge by driving range on main road was washed away forcing everyone to drive thru Surry to get to Bretwood. 

House makes hole-in-one collects only 2012 pool of $270.  He was too cheap to buy in for 2011 pool.

June

The Battle Of The Beav between Birdie and Commish was played at a soggy Bretwood North instead of Beaver Meadow in Concord, when the Pro Am got canceled.  As you can tell by photo Birdie prevailed.  Gazette did live hole by hole updates on the blog.

Cheez loses blankee.  Rama finds it and returns foul smelly towel to its owner so he would stop crying.

Loy shows up long enough to lose over $30 to Commish, but within a few weeks was never seen again.

Bear's game is heading south and his lead over Mad Dog in their match has turned in Mad Dog's favor.

Little Bow Pete and Cheez pull a mutiny and try to start their own Pot Game.  Only House follows.  They come crawling back to the fold.

July

First Red, White and Blue was played on the Saturday before the 4th.  Twenty-Three players showed.  Almost enough for an Invitational.

Bear away from Pot Game so Birdie and TJ fill in as reporters.

Quota creeps into the format when teams come out uneven.  Cheez protests but no one is listening.

Bookie Bear establishes a over/under line on Deacon's scores.  Proves to be very popular with Pot Gamers.  The Dougie Invitational in VT was a windfall for the bookie as only Mad Dog took the under and The Dog coached up Deacon to shoot under.

Birdie Adds Montcalm Hat

Battle At The Beav At Montcalm proved no better for Commish as Birdie prevailed again.  

August

Mad Dog shows no mercy for the struggling Bear and has been clipping him for $10 a round.

Mr Invitational

Deacon's Invitational after a few starts and stops was played with 20 players.  Cheez Captained the Blue team (same color as his Political Party) and Bear Captained the Red team.  Cheez using his "White Tee Sluts" strategy in his picks prevailed.  Deacon has never been on winning team still and Sandy hosted the Pic'em Party.  Little Bow Pete made his first hole-in-one but not the pot because not official Pot Game.

Pudge's old farts prevailed over Mad Dog's old farts at the NHPGA Sr. ProAm at Pheasant Ridge.  Pudge's team ate steak on the way home, Mad Dog's ate from McDonalds $1 menu.

September

Pudge hosted Labor Day Red, White & Blue tournanment.  21 Players showed.  Deacon can't figure out how he gets so many players to his events.

Tractorman on a tear with score in low to mid 70s every round and lots of cash rolling his way.

Mad Dog has stroke and lost peripheral vision to his right side.  Back flicking the white ball around within a few weeks.

Cheez ices Pot Gamers who show up to wish him a safe trip to The Villages and goodbye.  Despite announcing he would be playing he never showed, slept in instead.  Earned himself a 2013 X from Commish.

Bear's game magically reappears and starts shooting in the low 70s again.

October 

Chili temps have moved the starting tee times back to 8am.  Frost starting to appear as well.

Mad Dog's pile of cash from his mid summer winnings from Bear has started to dwindle and moved back into Bear's pocket.

Attendance is down with the cool weather averaging about 10 per round.

Birdie shots Bullwinkle with TJ as his sherpa.  Fireman sees Bullwinkle's sister within first 20 minutes of hunt but takes six more days before he locates her again.  She is now in his freezer.

Great White Hunter and His Sherpa

TJ and Pistol Pete have to go out of state inorder to find their little Bambies.  Pot Gamers turn Hunters.

November

Mad Dog retired and unretired a dozen times but played enough Pot Games to eventually lose all his winnings to Bear.  YTD Bear up $2.

Hole-In-One Pool still intact with total of $600 for 2011 and new 2012 pools

Billy D's back was trouble in the spring and is again with the cold temperatures.

Deacon shot in the 80s and 90s every round but still managed to be on the winning team 10 times in a row.

9 at 9 turned into 10 at 10 but was a huge success with beautiful weather and great golf.

December

Course Open until December 2

 

Gretchen Scouting Vacation Locations For Billy D

 Billy D thought he was going skiing this winter, looks like it might be water skiing instead